strryeyedgrrl: (Default)
So, the original entry here on LJ was friends-locked and filtered, given the possibility of comments on a certain topic. Therefore, I'm reposting the relevant and non-private portion of the entry to which this pertains.

On top of it all, I've apparently eaten a few too many Atkins-friendly products. Most sugar-free or low-carb products contain sucralose, a sugar alcohol. Eaten in excess, it can wreak havoc on your guts. I don't think I've eaten it to excess, but with the plethora of Atkins goodies in the house, thanks to my mom's support of my diet, I have had no less than three products per day - shake, bar, faux candy bar. That's in addition to the sugar-free caramel syrup I add to my coffee every morning. Halfway through my last meeting of the day, my stomach started a very loud argument with me - so loud, in fact, that Bosslady could hear it across the conference table.

Guess I'll have to cut out at least one of those items tomorrow. I have some microwavable sausage again, so I guess I'll skip the shake and take a real breakfast.

On the topic of the diet, no, I don't know if I've lost any weight or how much I've lost. I don't own a scale. The last one I had was peed on by Puffy Cat so many times that I finally just threw it away. I do know, however, that my favorite Tori shirt fits me again, as well as some other tops that I had tucked away. I've gotten compliments from people that don't see me everyday also. So, I take that as a form of accomplishment. Now, to just keep on track.

Illustration by Adam Botsford, Man of Awesome.
strryeyedgrrl: (Default)
Arianna told me the most awesome story this morning. I didn't have a notepad, so I couldn't write it down. Instead, I asked her tonight to tell me about it again.

"Arianna, remember what we were talking about this morning on the way to daycare?"

"I told you about the Easter play!"

"You did! Can you tell me about it again? I don't remember."

"Well, it was about God. No, Jesus."

"Not Cheezits." This morning, when she said "Jesus", it had sounded like "Cheezits" to my coffee-less brain.

"No, Mom! Jesus!"

"Okay, okay, it was about Jesus. So what was the play about?"

"It was a story about Jesus. And there was some angels and Grandma was one of the angels."

"I thought they were fairies." This morning, there were fairies in this story.

Artwork by Adam Botsford, Man of Awesome.
"No, I was wrong. They were angels."

"Okay, so what happened in the story?"

"Well, Jesus was gone."

"He was gone? Where did he go?"

"Oh, he went to the future."

"The future? For real? How did he get there?"

"The angel put him in the future."

"Why did he go to the future?"

"Because people needed help in the future."

"Why did they need help?"

"Moooommmmm." At this point, she looked at me and rolled her eyes, like I was the world's biggest idiot for even daring to ask. "They were in trouble from a monster."

I gasped. "A monster?! Did the monster have a name?"

"Ricky Flame."

"Wow, that's some name." I was holding back giggles at this point. "What was the monster doing that put the people in trouble?"

"He was eating them."

"Oh no! What happened next?!"

"Oh, well, you know, Jesus took them out of the monster."

I asked her for more of the story, but she said that was it.

So, there you go. That's the Easter story, according to a five-year-old.
strryeyedgrrl: (Default)
It was the biggest spider in existence. Steph said so.

"It's the BIGGEST spider. EVER!" She announced this to our friends in their basement apartment.

Kenny and Karen just nodded, not looking up from whatever it was they were doing. Steph was given the placating "hum" sound from Karen. We'd all been there, done that before.

Steph turned to me. "Dude. Biggest spider ever."

"I believe you."

"Let's go get it."

I looked at my watch. It was only 3am, so, you know, why the hell not?

"Sure. But what makes you think it'll still be there?"

Steph scoffed. "Because. It's the biggest spider EVER."

"How big are we talking here? Do I need a net?"

Steph waited as I pulled on my hoodie. "Shut the fuck up and just follow me."

Follow I did - up the stairs, out the door and down the alley towards the 38th Street 7-Eleven. Said spider resided in its parking lot. On the way, I noticed my shoe was untied, so I stopped at the edge of the alley to fix it.

"Oh my god," Steph said. "Hurry up. The world's largest spider waits for no one."

I finished tying my shoe and righted myself. "Steph, it's not the world's largest spider."

"You have no idea," she replied as we crossed 38th. "It's HUGE."

"Okay. We'll see."

"You're going to shit your pants."

"I do need to poop, but I suspect that I'll be able to control it."

Steph sighed. "Sometimes, Jill, you're no fun."

"It's 3am. I'm coming down. My apologies if the snarky bitch in me is making an appearance."

"Fair enough." We were approaching the side of the 7-Eleven building when Steph suddenly pointed at the ground.

"There! Biggest spider EVER!"

You know what? It WAS the biggest spider ever.

"Holy shit!" I exclaimed, as I leaned in to get a closer look. "That's the biggest fucking spider I've ever seen. I mean, aside from the pet tarantula I had as a kid, but hell. This one's right up there."

Steph put her hands on her hips and beamed. "I fucking told you so."

"You sure as hell did." I watched as the biggest spider ever made its way across a broken piece of asphalt. "So what do we do now?"

This stumped Steph, but only for a moment. "Well, we need to catch it."

"And do what with it? It's enormous. It'll probably eat us if we try."

"Naw, it'll be cool. Then we can take it back to show Kenny and Karen."

That seemed like a solid plan, I decided, but that left out one important detail. "How do you suggest we capture the biggest spider ever?"

The neon lights of the 7-Eleven gleamed down on us as we mulled this over. It distorted our faces in my vision, making them seem slightly cheesy and shadowy. I looked up at the windows of the convenience store, where advertisements demanded that I buy a Super Big Gulp.


"Let's go in and see if they'll let us have a cup and lid," I said, pointing to the sign.

"Yes!" Steph took off, nearly running.

Illustration by Adam Botsford, Artist of Skills.
"Hey!" I cried after her. "Do you want me to stay here with the spider? Should I make sure it doesn't run off? It might have a wife and kids waiting at home or something."

It was too late - she was already inside the store. Looking down at the spider one more time, I followed her.

"It's the biggest motherfucking spider you've ever seen!" Steph was telling the bemused cashier. The cashier's eyes had dark circles under them and her hair clung to her face in strands.

"You should totally catch it," the cashier said.

"That's what WE said!" Steph replied. "So can we have a cup and lid?"

The cashier nodded. "Only if I can help catch it."

So we piled out the door of the store - Steph, the 7-Eleven cashier in her red 7-Eleven vest and me holding a Super Big Gulp cup. Anyone driving by likely saw the single most fucked up thing ever - three grown adults chasing down a bug in the parking lot.

The cashier was appropriately impressed. "Holy shit! That's the biggest goddamn spider ever."

"I motherfucking told you so," Steph said.

For being the biggest spider ever, it didn't put up much of a fight when I dropped the cup over it. With help from the plastic lid, I tipped the spider into the cup and closed the lid. I handed the cup to Steph. You could actually HEAR the spider stomping around angrily inside its Super Big Gulp prison. Biggest spider EVER, remember?

Happy with our catch, we took the prize back to Kenny and Karen's. We gingerly opened the lid and shared with them the biggest spider ever.

Our friends looked at each other. Their faces were nonplussed and it was Karen that spoke first. "That's NOT the biggest spider ever. It's BIG, sure, but not the biggest EVER."

"You don't know anything," Steph replied, waving her hand at them. "Just ask Jill."

"Biggest fucking spider ever," I confirmed. "You're all crazy."

With my exceptional skills of an artist, I have been able to realistically recreate this event for you. It's okay, you can weep openly. It's beautiful, I know.
Edited to add: See Adam's way better skills of an artist above. He is made of the awesome.


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